marie: the flame of florida

That's the closest thing to a Times New Viking song title uttered at the RNC this week.

Guess what? The Joos are coming to town this week. I think that warrants a post, right? With the Democratic and Republican conventions now over, I'm left with quite a few questions...

1. Is Bristol Palin's boyfriend the most unintentionally funny person in history? Dude was chewing gum...ON STAGE!

2. well...

that's actually the only question I have. I swear it, the guy is funnier than I Want To Work For Diddy.

Anyways, like i said, the Joos are coming. Their first ever show in the nation's capital can only be celebrated in one way (that doesn't involve liquor or thc) and that's by naming the top five Silver Jews songs that would work well as official campaign songs...and the top five that would work terribly as official campaign songs. In no particular order, here we go...

THE GOOD
1. "Smith and Jones Forever" - If only it was Barrack Smith and Joe Jones. Great questions are brought up in this song and I'd like to hear McCain's answers to them. "Are you honest when no one's looking. Can you summon honey from a telephone?" I'm pretty sure he'd answer no to both, and if he can do the latter I really hope they're not saving that tidbit for late October. Borderline Democrats love honey. "Holding up your trousers with extension chords." is a line that addresses poverty/the economy 100% more often than anyone did at the RNC this week.

2. "Strange Victory, Strange Defeat" - I'm convinced that if Crustache HOF member Dennis Kucinich had actually gotten the nomination this would be his campaign's theme. I don't think anyone can doubt that this would have sounded great blasted through the speakers of Invesco Field. This song reminds me of Bob Seger for some strange reason. That's one of my few knocks against LM, LS.

3. "Rebel Jew" - If only Joe Lieberman wasn't such a fucking sellout. Not that he was ever cool, but for christ's sake, man...this could have been all you. I started singing this when he came out for his speech the other night and a girl said to me "Sean, behave yourself."

4. "The Poor, The Fair, The Good" - Not so much the lyrics, but this song title sounds more like a bumper sticker than anything else in the Berman's catalog (not counting "soi disantra"). I guess "don't lay the groundwork for the case of remorse" would be a pretty damn poetic thing to say to a political opponent. That's not change, that's more of the same. Berman > Barrack.

5. "The Sabellion Rebellion" - Such confidence. It's not "here comes the Sabellion Rebellion" or "come aboard the Sabellion Rebellion." Nope, it's "Welcome to the Sabellion Rebellion." It's all going down and there is nothing you can do to stop it. The confidence and swagger of this one has shades of Gilbert via '06. The only thing that could make this a better campaign song is: Obama & Nico '08. Most good things end with "& Nico"

Bonus: "Night Society" - Few songs are more badass than this one. To walk on stage to this would almost guarantee victory.

THE BAD
1. "Canada" - This is what all of us liberals will be singing if McCain is elected. Please America, let's not fuck this up. I'm one of the poor people that Barrack is talking about. I can't afford to move to Canada. This song is as close as I'll get in the coming four years.

2. "Let's Not and Say We Did" - This would be the equivalent to when Homer was about to fight Dredrick Tatum and his intro song while walking to the ring was "Why Can't We Be Friends" by WAR.

3. "We Could Be Looking For The Same Thing" - Almost as bad as "Let's Not and Say We Did." But I guess this one actually works. Apparently McCain is running on "change" too. Does that mean they're voting for Obama too or are they just as stupid as we all think?

4. "Random Rules" - There is no guidance when random rules. It's true...but in two more months everything will Democratic and cool...hopefully.

5. "What Is Not But Could Be If" - Because this sounds like a sentence Al Gore might say and we all know how that turned out for us.

Bonus: "Punks in the Beerlight" - I just wanted to mention the Joos best song and how they BETTER PLAY IT WEDNESDAY...This should be fun.